Day and night

I dont know why I wake up with this feeling.. of sadness.
It's like thrs sumthn inside me .. sumthn tht is so sad tht the pain is almost physical.
I hate it when things are about to end.. I cant deal with closures..
the inertia of my being wants things to stay the same forever..
last night I was happy.. today morning I am sad.. I dont know what happened while I slept.. what changed in the world..
Somewhr in my sleep I let my guards down and each morning I wake up scared.
Everyday.. I have to tell myself the same things .. everyday is a fight.. everyday I hav to tell myself to be happy..
everynight when I sleep I m scared cus I know that the sadness is gonna creep up on me...
It's weird how so few things stay the same from one day to the other..
I know now.. that the only things that stay are the true things... true words.. true gestures.. true smiles.. small true things
Everything else just fades with time.. everything else is short lived no matter how grand .. no matter how long.
I am learning to distinguish.. between what is true and what my heart wishes to be true..
I wish I could blv you.. I wish I was gullible..
Alas m not...
In the morning I know.. I know that you weren't true.

sumthn weird

This has been a weird day…

Wen th weirdness gets too much and I start to gte suffocated in my own room… I decide it’s time to spread the weirdness.

So I dress up.. in th lousiest weirdest “home” clothes and decide to come to leavey.. Leavey library…. On th way I get compliments on how nicely m dressed ( wujja blv tht ?? ) and am asked if I am goin to the library … ( thas th only place desi kids goto here and oh yea subway too)

In my mind : “oh yea! I am going to the library”

My weird tongue : “ No I am going to go get some coffee “

At this point my poor mind is pretty confused.. yea th weirdness has taken over.. I have no control over which coffee I order and which bagel.. All I know is tht I hav a coffee to go and a regular cream bagel.. and m headin to leavey…

This guy ahead of me ..4 coffees in his hand… no care for th stupid walk signal.. he crosses the road .. ah !! my weird twin…. I need to follow him.. so I do … cars honk angrily.. ( ok m makin it up… ppl dun honk here).. but yea I feel th angry flood lights ..

Like I care .. and like I can even help it… I have to catch up wid my weird twin who doesn’t giv a fuk bt th stupid walk signal…I gotta discuss life issues wid him …. I gotta catch up..

But I jus lose him… he enters this building… and I dun hav an access card to get into th bldg.. I jus stand and stare for 5 mins.. tryin to send some kinda telepathic signal to him..

Alas… he doesn’t come out.. m broken hearted

I hav no choice but to goto leavey… weird weird leavey… It’s some fun sneakin my bagel inside .. here.. dogs r allowed .. dog food is allowed .. but human food inside leavey ?? NOWAY !...

I like to bite on a bagel while listenin to coldplay’s violet hill over n over again.. so I HAVE to sneak it in …

Somethin inside me wonders Y I had to travel so far jus to listen to coldplay on youtube.. I tell tht voice to shudapppp…

And I stare outside th window and think of my lost weird twin wonderin if ill eva see him again .. and play violet hill yet again …

India..

India... is where the heart is..
the land of black and yellow autos... of muddy temple steps... of cows that cause traffic jams... of multicolored chuskee popsicles... of untimely rains.. of tobacco chewing rikshaw drivers... their skin shiny wid sweat... of kids playing in the park wid runny noses..tattered clothes.. of century old windows in broken forgotten houses.... block printed cheap sarees...village women..their faces half hidden but eyes that hit you ... the swing of their confident walk...
the land of our maid who now has a pucca house and a grandchild... shes the greatest queen i know.... the land where my pirate doggy is buried somewhere... the land whr iron jungle gyms of my childhood stand.. so hot they used to be in the sun... the mysterious house with hand prints of the mango tree witch...
the land where my gray school building stands.... red brick nurseries... my beautiful Mrs Kitty.. her flowing skirts...the haunted church... school where 23 and 24 grew...of lil sunflowerlike kids in th morning..
Land of rain puddles... streetfood that makes u sick... saadhoo babas under the bridge wid tangles of hair... sweet birds u find on a mountain top... pahari dogs lookin afta th sheep...It's the land of my mom's embrace ... the land on which she sheds a hidden tear jus when I turn away at athe airport.. of her love that pulls me back wherever I am..India is where i always long to be .....

everchanging

unday, March 30, 2008

today.. someone told me "u dun look like u study too much..."
yesterday.. i was called a geek...
i find it amazin that m so many ppl...
i get a kick outta makin ppl think m somethin they want me to be.... i love the look on their faces .."OH... I was so right bt her!!"
the fact is plain ... even I dunno who I am ...
the safest bet would be to call me "weird"...
wat wudja call a person who is scared shit lookin down a 5 story bldg one day.. n does 5 deadly rollacostas in 4 hrs the next day..
I have learnt one thing in life.... U can live the life u want.... startin today.. starting this moment..
U can be whoeva u want.. startin right now.. It's all in our head...
thr r places in ma head... I hav ma own parallel universe.. I find it soo cool... the best thing God gave us was our imagination...
Ppl imagine the future... I imagine the present... it goes thru some crazy filter in ma head and registers as some spark in some neuron..
If I cud collect these sparks.. I swear I cud set the world on fire...

I am so far away from home... I am on the other side of the world... but yet I am the same..
This bothers me sometimes... how can neone be so different and yet so same..???
where is this blog going ?? I was tokin bt how different I am at different times and Now suddenly i realise that I am the same always...

Maybe m jus an electron in some LARGE LARGE atom... and all this happens to me due to Heisenberg's uncertainty principle..

guess,I am like this world... seen differently thru different eyes...
One life is not enough to be all the things I wanna be... to see th places I wanna see...
U may know me ... but u may jus hav seen a season of me...
tomorrow wen u meet me .. Ill be changed..
but I promise Ill still be the same !!

of favorite flyin benches n guardian angels

Sometimes when i walk thru th university... i feel so one wid evythn...
it's so funny... this place.. at tyms i feel like an alien.. yet at other tyms i feel so at home.. at places ive neva been before...
it's jus so beautiful sometimes.. so beautiful tht it makes me wanna cry..
i wanna cry at the near perfection of it.. i wanna cry cus wen daylight comes.. it takes all tht away..
i OWN this damn place at night.. it's so mine
i once met this drunk gal at night.. she was drunk.. she had angel wings.. she was ridin a bike..
she told me ... "Hi I m yr guardian angel".. guess wat.. i believed her...i think she was th same drunk gal screamin frm a balcony at me n kinkoo th otha night.. "DYA WANNA DANCE KOREAN?? "... i hav no reason to think tht... but I jus believe it..
I'll believe the weirdest things... U come n temme .." Mouly.. tonight we r gonna fly.. u sit on ur favourite bench nd Ill sit on mine whoooooosh we'll go".. Ill believe u.. one hundred percent..
I'll go and sit on ma favorite bench nd keep waitin until it takes off... I'll look fo ya.. Id keep glancin at YR favorite bench ..
Ill be heartbroken tht u din show up... but then again m content to be th only one like me .. ILL go sit on th same bench evy damn night... until it flies..
They try and teach me stuff here... at tyms i care.. at tyms i dun give a damn...
They temme I stay in ma own world... they r fools.. i wanna laugh at em.. cus they have neva seen th world as I do... they don hav a drunk guardian angel.. they dun hav a flyin favorite bench... HA HA.. BOOO
Y cant they see in themselves wat i see in em... I see ppl in ppl.. i think mary is avant garde.. joe is a ghetto rebel.. i feel sad fo mary n joe.. they dunno wat they r
I try n explain to mary n joe.. they jus laugh ....

maybe ull laugh at this post... i dun care... i jus hope someday u see it th way I do.. :)